Don’t lose your cool

Don’t lose your cool

The temperature is in the 90s as I reach into the freezer for that half-gallon of cherry-vanilla ice cream, but when I open it, the ice cream is all gooey. My brain instantly goes into panic mode. I open the freezer again and start poking at a package of frozen fish — mushy. I open the container of left-over chili – slushy. The frozen pizza is yucky.

I call the appliance repair shop that fixed my washer two years ago and get voice mail. Their hours are Monday through Friday, closed Saturday and Sunday, but they ask me to leave a message. When the beep comes on, the message is for me: the mailbox is full. I try another appliance repair, the one that advertises on TV all the time. No luck.

My food is in meltdown and there is no caped super-repair hero who will appear to save the tomatoes, at least not until Monday or maybe, Tuesday. I begin emptying the freezer of the soggy, squishy food. The refrigerator section is full of warm milk and melting butter. I climb the stairs to the attic, which is about the same temperature as the freezer, searching for our old cooler. Then, I remember, I sold it at a yard sale three years ago.

I sit down on the attic steps and cry: I have no ice for my sweet tea.

Breweries were first to understand the importance of refrigeration and by the 19th century nearly all breweries had installed refrigerators — and what I wouldn’t give for a cold one, right now.

Having your refrigerator die on a Friday night is like a double-feature horror movie, “Godzilla” meets “Jaws.” A monster out to destroy all I hold precious – yogurt and cheesecake. Speaking of cheesecake, when the “Golden Girls” gathered around the kitchen table to discuss their problems over cheesecake or ice cream, their refrigerator never went out. Their cheesecake was always velvety and their ice cream was always creamy and therefore, they were able to overcome any adversity.

June Cleaver, the stay-at-home mom on “Leave it to Beaver,” who vacuumed in pearls and high heels, never had a problem with her refrigerator. She had a GE refrigerator. All of her kitchen appliances were GE because GE was a major sponsor so nothing could ever go wrong with her refrigerator, it was probably written in the script.

On the show “Friends,” the refrigerator in Monica’s apartment really worked and was kept stocked with drinks and snacks for the cast. The espresso machine, however, was not plugged in because it was too noisy.

In the movie “The Seven Year Itch,” Marilyn Monroe kept her undies in the freezer in order to keep her “cool.” That is not such a bad idea, ya’ll.

Then, there was that demon who lived in a refrigerator. Who you gonna call when you have a demon in your refrigerator? Not the repair shop that is closed on weekends — who you gonna call – “Ghostbusters.”

Today, smart refrigerators can talk to you because they are somehow connected to the mysterious Cloud. It will tell you when you are running low on milk or eggs, or when the door is ajar. It will even keep a tally of your loyalty points as well as your calories. But, can it keep you on a diet? Will it shout “no” when you reach for the banana pudding?

More importantly, do you want it to?