Terrific and terrible Theodore

As a gal whose reading habits don’t extend past the menu, I was surprised to find myself gifted a biography this past weekend.

It’s called “Theodore Rex,” it’s written by Edmund Morris, and it’s about the first dinosaur to become president.

Or maybe it isn’t. I didn’t read the title too carefully.

The book chronicles the rise (and rise and rise and rise) of Theodore Roosevelt.

Starting out as a humble best-selling historian, he became a war hero, governor of New York, and vice president.

Once the chief executive of his time, McKinley (also known as Denali), was assassinated, Teddy Roosevelt at last became president of the United States.

When I gaze upon Roosevelt’s accomplishments, I do not shrink. After all, I’ve done a lot in my life, such as… uh… I’m sure I wrote it down somewhere…

The book — or more accurately, hagiography — describes Roosevelt as a great personality. It praises his ferocious mustache and magnificent sneer. Or maybe it’s the other way around.

I can get a sneer, all right, but no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I’ll ever grow a mustache. Maybe I’ll aim for great eyebrows.

Without T. R., modern America would be much different. For one, we wouldn’t have the plushy children’s toy that bears his name.

For two, there wouldn’t be a guy with glasses on Mount Rushmore.

For three, no one would be able to coin that excellent palindrome, “A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!”

As president, Theodore — since I’ve read his life story, I think we’d be on a first-name basis — was a staple of political and popular culture.

He promised each American a Square Deal. It was something to do with nature and consumers.

I don’t know about you, but as a natural consumer, I’d have preferred a Square Meal. Heck, I’d celebrate if the government sent me a Snickers.

Theodore also liked to talk softly and carry a big stick.

I think yelling and firing a big cannon would have been more effective. Then again, this could be why I’ve never been president.

Roosevelt was also a fan of sending heavily-armed emissaries of friendship ‘round to other countries.

Not to fire on them, mind. Just to give off good vibes.

At that point, I’m sure the other countries of the world would’ve jumped to high-five us if not for the big stick.

Roosevelt won reelection in 1904 and proposed a series of reforms, such as an income tax (boo!), an eight-hour workday (yay!), and a postal savings system (huh?)

He delivered on some of them, but ended up as a bit of a lame duck, albeit with magnificent facial hair.

As his term came to a close, he handed off the reins to William H. Taft.

Taft had long stood in Roosevelt’s shadow, at least the bits of him that fit there.

Though he did not possess as big an influence as Teddy, he still went down in history as our nation’s largest president.

I can aspire neither to Roosevelt’s mustache nor to Taft’s size. But I have one consolation.

I can always write a book about ‘em.