No bed of roses

My house plants and I are in a dysfunctional relationship where I forget to water them and they forget to live.

It’s not my fault I think all of them are succulents. People should stop giving me flowers on the assumption I’ll take care of them.

I can barely take care of the succulents. They need to be watered once a month, and I end up thinking they’re plastic. Then I wonder why they look so shriveled after a few weeks.

I should really get more plastic flowers. But I end up thinking they’re real, so I water them anyway. Then I get wet patches on my desk and windowsill.

Go figure. Some days you just can’t win.

Flowers are a good thing to have around the house. They make things look bright and cheerful.

Since my room resembles an underground cavern, a few spots of color are definitely needed.

Plus, plants are supposed to improve air quality. I don’t know how to measure that, living in my underground cavern, but I suppose it’s true.

The type of plant that becomes a house plant ought to go through a proper selection process.

Can it thrive in bad lighting? Check.

Can it look perky when it hasn’t drunk anything for 24 hours? Check.

Can it add joy to the lives of everyone around it? Check.

Any plant that can do that isn’t just a house plant. It’s ready to be a human being.

Of course, with house plants, not all are created equal.

Take the Tradescantia zebrina. Its lovely green and purple leaves may make you think that it’s an excellent candidate for placement on your desk.

Do not be fooled. It grows. And grows and grows. And soon, your desk is no longer yours, but is wrapped in the tentacles of a green and purple monster.

Or try the humble cactus. Sure, it looks cute, but one day (and this is guaranteed) you’ll forget the needles on it are pointy, and you’ll impale yourself trying to get a smidgen of dust off of it.

Consider then the orchid. If you think you’ll get to enjoy gorgeous white or purple flowers, think again.

My orchids never flower. They don’t even have a whisper of a thought about flowering. And finally, when I chuck ‘em in the trash, then that’s when they choose to bloom, right on top of the garbage heap.

Then the second I take them out, poof! They stop showing off and start looking like something the cat dragged in.

True, flowers aren’t for everyone. Some people are fine with having apartments where the most organic thing in them is the spinach in the fridge.

In my fridge, even the spinach wilts. In my entire house, anything green and organic just dies.

Though I may have plastic plants, I have to say: I draw the line at eating plastic food.